The first month has come and gone! It has been an interesting ride, with  new discoveries about myself and also about her. I shall not diclose any of hers in the case that she kills me! wahahah! But here a few of mine... :)

1. There is a certain level of pride involved in washing clothes and i take much effort in making sure that it turns out well.
2. I dun like to clean and mop the floor esp when just 5mins after i spot a stain of hair. Irritates me BIG TIME!
3. Just like my father, i feel like king of the kitchen.
4. Time seems to pass at extra speed at home. No matter how early i get home, before i know it its already midnight and i have not done anything to relax myself for the next day!!

On a more serious note, yesterday's sermon by Ps Rick Seaward really shoke me. He shared a lot of things regarding Joshua and a lot of them spoke to me esp the part of fear. As i reflected on my own walk with God since last year i was brought to the realisation of how far i have drifted from fulfilling the destiny that God had layed out before me. With specific regard to me being in AJ, i have not claimed the rightful position that I sensed God had placed for me and in the larger scheme of things i have not rising up to the place that i am meant to be.

Like Ps Rick said, i was first fearful. I was just like one of the people who believed the reports given by the 10 spies, of how its a land filled with giants while i am a grasshopper. Even when i do see the favour and what the Lord can do thru me i still refused to believe it. I thank God for the reminders in the recent few weeks where i was able to pray for a student in full view of the P, VPs and key personel of the school and also being asked specifically by parents to counsel their child because i am a Christian.

I have been too distracted by many things this year: work, Masters, marriage and now my role as a husband etc. As i looked back i can say that it has been a year that i accomplished much, even people around me tells me that. The strange thing is that i dun feel fulfilled and on the contary i feel drained and tired. Maybe this is because i was working for my own, on my own.

TIme to wake up!! If u want to see a difference you have to do things differently!

I thank God for what was done at the altar and also the talk i had with my wife. She really helped me to process my thoughts properly and it really felt like we were ONE. :)

As the day beckons i find myself asking this question: Am i ready?

Am i ready....
... to be the head of the household?
... to love my wife like Jesus loves the church?
... to give up the freedom a single's life is entitled to?
... to work at building a family?
... to give up my personal rights for the rights of the family?
... to have someone else in my life?
... to be the father of a child?
... to no longer live life as it comes but be more proactive in things?
... to face possible times of conflict that may results in harshful words being said?
... to leave the comforts of my own home and the protection of my parents?
... to be held responsible for how the family is?

Am i ready????????

Guess only God knows... He said that He would make things beautiful in His time. And the time draws near. After this there will be many other beautiful times that He will bring. Looking forward to what may come with both anticipation as well as apprehension. i know in the end, I have God and I have the perfect helper that He chose for me.

And that's all I need. Thank God! Thank YOU! :)

All of my life in every season, You are still God! Let my heart praise you!

Have not posted for so long... that i forgot my password!!! Took a few tries to log in.... :P

Anyway, as the saying goes, the longest journey is the journey inward. It has been a long journey of going inwards, reflecting on my life and the things that i do and believe in. Haha! It has been a journey that was both assuring and humbling, but God's grace has never left me. As such i still tear whenever i sing Amazing Grace. It is not over yet, with me pondering over some of the most fundamental values that i built my life on and as such will need, more than ever, God to show me that He is will me on this journey.

Maybe this is what i have been praying for all these while... for God to break my pride and show me that I really need Him. My core confidence is shaken.... my sights not as clear as before.... but yet still not desperate yet. How much more before i am fully convicted? Do i really dare to pray and ask God to bring me to the pits? Will i be able to still say that i will not turn my back to Him?

God opened my mind to a new understanding of searving Him, all thanks to my better half (thanks dear!). And He has been showing me evidence and results of my serving Him. How blind i was! Now i see a clearer picture of how my ministry to God will be like after marriage. And just like what Ps Khong shared last night at G12 conference, i caught a glimsp of what it will look like when i intergrate my family, my work and my ministry all under the G12 Vision. It looks more possible now.

Has been a while since i last posted anything. Not that i had nothing to post about, just wanted to have more time in processing things before sharing them.

2009 started much like any other year for me: not ready. Maybe its coz of the busy-ness of Christmas followed by being stage manager for CDP. I entered 2009 thinking that this year is going to be a real busy year! Busy coz i will be part of some projects at work, busy coz of the BIG DAY, busy coz i decided to work on some areas of weakness for me both at work and in my life.

God was good! Started off by giving me a word thru various sources: favour. Everything that things seem to point at was at favour. At work i am seeing myself being part of more things. Thou that means more work, but it also means that God has blessed me with more favour with my colleagues and even ppl i dun really know! Also getting a clearer picture of my place here in AJ.. finding my purpose and place here. Having a heart for this land.

For the first time my OCIP students celebrated my bday for me and they managed to do something that others have failed for many years... they actually mananged to surprise me! haha! Not purely because of them celebrating my bday, but in the favour that God has blessed me with for them to do so. They even got the two teachers to help them bluff me! haha! I was really lost for words... couldnt stop smiling. :) They are bunch of really lovely kids... :)



It has also been a time of new found freedom in many areas of my life. God spoke thru my supervisor. Had a revelation of my own gamey behaviour. Things at home also gained a new level of  harmony even as i started to serve them thru doing of housework. More and more i am seeing how God seems to be finetuning things around me.

Things with my better half also reached a new level of depth, with new found freedom to allow her into my world. Not that i kept her out intentionally, just too used to being able to process things alone and cutting her out of that process and thus denying her opportunities to enter my world. God knows my struggles with being a good listerner by allowing me to speak more.. haha!

Was reminded of my prayer to God years ago, telling Him that i want to be like Isaac and just live in the joy of receiving His blessings. Seems like it is already happening! Thank God! :)

This year's Christmas season feels different... and i am thankful. It was kind of nice to hear over the radio a description of Jesus Christ's birth on Christmas Day.

I am thankful for the 3 hands that were raised for the Christmas Party for my students. Had a good talk with one of them. Need to follow up on the other two.

I am thankful for the team i led up to Thailand. The rapport and relationships built has been amazing considering we had so little time up there. Thankful that they have been pretty real to me and how the Lord has shown me how He is using me to touch these lives. It is a privilege.

I am thankful for the birthday party for Nigel. Had a wonderful time catching up with the old Marists boys again. It is always a joy to see them. And i caught a glimsp of how dynamic things would be if they were all on fire for God. Shall keep praying for that to become true!! Am proud of Gif and XF who just tirelessly worked to make things work out. Proud of Nig who seemed determined to be a light to his gang of friends. :)

















I am thankful that thru Christ i really have hope for the future no matter how bleak it looks. More and more i am convinced that my optimism is not just my character but a God-given joy of knowing that He is in control. Timing of things will always look perfect even as i trust in the Lord to provide..... Jer 29:11 - His plans are always to prosper me and to give me hope.

I am thankful for the rest. Am on leave till Christmas. Just need to clear the accounts for the sch trip, finish up on 2 assignments (LAST TWO!!!) and i can really enjoy this break. Got two referrals from Dr. Tan... exciting! Praying that things will go well since one of them asked for CBT... not exactly my strength.

I am thankful that the Lord seems to already be setting things up for me next year in the area of work. Have been roped into a cluster team requested by my cluster supervisor to oversea certain areas for the cluster. Hopefully it will be a good learning experience. As much as i am quite resistant to climbing up, if it is what the Lord has planned for me, i shall do my best.

I am thankful for this year of being lost. Had been feeling so far and lost for the most of this year. Quite opposite to the theme of Sabbath, but it as shown me how little i can acheive apart from Him. Even what seemed as natural and easy becomes so difficult. It has been pretty humbling and i am reminded, just like what Paul said, that i can boast only because of what the Lord had done thru me.

I am thankful.

Thank God!!

Having that old familiar feeling again. It's strange how sometimes you can be just be there it but feel miles away. I am tired but i dun want to sleep. Can i ever just be myself and not have other point fingers at me and tell me what i should and should not do? At my age i would expect to be given that kind of basic respect.

Will i ever be free of this?
Why am i doing what i am doing?
Is it wishful thinking on my part?

The week has been tiring but fulfilling. C and M are just wonderful working partners. Both so willing to do more than what is required of them. Feels good to know that there are people cheonging with you. This year's team is so different, I shall not compare. Lord do your magic!

Mid-life crisis comes early?

Dying to self all over again...... tired.

On 15 Oct marked the first time in my journey as a counsellor that i went to a school to handle a case where a boy, let's call him G, was found dead at the foot of his block. Investigations are still underway and so I shall not give much details here but it was sudden. I was activated as the only male counsellor to go to the class of G to manage things. I was asked to speak to G's two closest friends A and B. A knew him him for 4 years while B knew him for 2 years.

Thru the hour that we spoke, the picture i have of the G was one thats quite, mild mannered and kept things to himself. He appeared to be so mild mannered that both A and B were surprised at the incident. They never thought that G would end up like this. For the next hour they described how they would hang out together after school to play LAN games. B fondly remembers the times that they would attend D&T classes together and told me of how he would miss him a lot especially when he sees that many video clips he had of G on his handphone. A was obviously still dealing with the shock of the news, with a blank look on his face, and i could almost hear the pain and how much G's death had impacted him. I explained to them about how they might feel over the next week as the reality of things set in. After the hour i made the assessment that both boys would be fine for now and that their reactions would be appropriate for the context of the incident and recommended to the form teacher to watch them for a few more days.

After having lunch with the other counsellors to de-role, i was rushing back to college to have our prayer point and i had a revelation: that as a teacher or even a counsellor we do not know how impactful our words can be. That actually a word of praise of even a word that tears a person down is magnified in our context simply becoz of the position that we hold. I had a vision of a single drop of water that fell onto dry and crack soil and when the water touched the parched ground life bloomed up and the dry, parched land started to have grass and trees and even rivers and streams.

I was led to pray for the class and for the people in the school, i prayed for peace and also for the Lord to remove the lies that the devil has implanted into the minds of the students. Then i prayed for the students in AJC also for the Lord to come and guard their hearts, since it was a stressful periods for the students (JC2s=A levels, JC1s=PW OP). I also prayed for the words of the teachers to be laced with love and encouragment which will bring hope and life into the hearts of the students.

Back at the prayer point i shared this with the group and it was affirmed, even before i shared, that we need to pray for the hearts and the emotions of the students. It was again affirmed with Liting's sharing about focusing on the strength and not the weakness ("This is unwise.' instead of 'This is stupid!')  As we ended our prayer time praying for words of affirmation and love it started to rain super heavily, as if God was telling us that He is pouring forth life into the hearts at AJC and irrigating this parched land. WOW!

Last night I was depressed and i realised that the dead of G and also dealing with A and B had drained me so much emtionally. It normally takes a few days for things to set in for me. I was overcome with such grief and sadness that a boy with so much potential and future was taken away so unfairly. If only he knew God, if only He knew of the plans and the blessings of abundant life that the Lord had promised us, maybe things would have ended differently. I was tearing and grieving over the lose of a life and i knew that the Lord was also grieved.

I realised that it has been a while since i grieved over a 'case'. Maybe in the course of my work i had learnt to detach myself and hardened my heart so that is was easier to work. But i know notice that the Lord is beginning to soften my heart. The more i was praying for my cell boys and also for AJC during our prayer point the more my heart would hurt and grieve over the youth today. On wednesday i went to a young couple, clearly in sec sch, who was behaving intimately (hugging and kissing) at Plaza Sing. Normally i wld just let it be and just feel sad. But that day i was angry, and i could feel God's anger over what i see happening before me. I went up and asked them to stop and to leave. Although i know that they wouldnt and most prob would continue when i left, i just had to say something. I have chosen to not say anything for too long and as a result my heart is cold and hardened. But the Lord wants to soften it... to bring it to where it used to be full of passion and tender to His words.

I pray the same for those who read this. Allow the Lord to do that work in your heart. Thou it might be painful or scary, it will open your eyes to see fully what the Lord wants to do with your life and it will open your life to be used mightily in wherever you are.

Once again we revisit this topic of discipleship. So timely. It has been a while since we are reminded of what it takes to be a disciple of Jesus. The all familiar requirement of "deny himself, take up his cross and follow me.' (Matthew 16:23) The same verse in Luke 9:23 has the extra word 'daily' and i think you would agree with me that it is indeed a daily affair and decision to follow Jesus.

The past few months have been a trying time. Let's just say that i was 'nudged' off the path of walking with God. It did not come suddenly but it was a gradual, inconspicuous deviation from the path that God wanted to me to walk.

I became complacent.
I started to do what i wanted to do: spend time with girlfriend, do my assignments, have time to myself to do what i liked....
I started to love myself more and be involved less, signed up for a foot reflexology package to pamper myself, think about my wedding a bit more...
I started to negotiate with God about what He wanted me to do. Can I not start the prayer point in AJC? How about the others? You can get them to do it. Why must it be me?

Slowly and surely things around me started to happen: One boy in cell just disappeared, uncontactable, sin crept back into my life, my spirit became tired and i find myself losing that joy of the Lord. Even the realisation did not come inmmediately. It was a progressive journey of seeing God putting signs infront of me to remind me, to warn me and to pull me back. Such is His grace.

I think Luke puts it so aptly when he used the word 'daily'. I actually think the daily refers to all 3 parts of denial of rights, loving God and obeying Him.  That the decision of being Jesus's disciple is a daily one. The Devil as just waiting to catch us unaware and he will come and wreck havoc in our lives with lies.

How has your discipleship journey been?

Carl Roger, the guru of person-centered therapy, says that an effective therapeutic relationship has these 3 essential elements:

1. Empathy - the client must be able to sense that warmth and understanding that comes from the counsellor.
2. Congruency - the counsellor must at least appear to be real about wanting to help. What he says must match with what he does. Clients can tell a fake straightaway!
3. Unconditional Positive Regard - the client must feel that he is accepted for who he is and not judged for the issues that he will be telling the counsellor. 

Consider this: Isn't this the same in the relationship between a sheperd and his sheep?

1. Godly Compassion - Your sheep must sense that warmth from you which will draw them (and others) towards you. 
In Col 3:12, God tells us that even as we are born again in to the new self, we need to 'put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience'..... and in verse 14 'beyond all these things put on love.' Hear this truth: your sheep DO NOT NEED to listen to you as much as you NEED to listen to your shepard... we all CHOOSE to listen because God first loved us and therefore we obeyed His instructions. It is a matter of choice. You need to win your sheep over with love and compassion before they will follow you. Why does your sheep follow you? Out of obedience or out of seeing God's compassion in you?

2. Outstanding Integrity - Your sheep can tell if you are just 'playing leader'. You need to be real about what you teach them about God!
Many of us live double lives. On sundays we appear to be Godly man after God's heart and on the other days we become what the world wants us to be. Worse, we become what we think the world forces us to be in order to survive. Do not be deceived. Romans 12:2 says: "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." We can't serve 2 masters. Be real! God has said that whoever confesses his sins He who is righteous and just will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteous (1 John 1:9).

Another phenomenon is this: that a leader treats this as a part-time job and does not put his whole heart into this. John 10:11-16 compares between a shepard and a hireling. A shepard 'lays down his life' while a hireling flees at the first sign of trouble. There is no way your can be an effective leader to mentor your people if you do not 'lay down your life' for them. You need to be real in this so that they can see that you are serious with them. Otherwise how would they learn to hear your voice and know you?

3. Declining Judgement - Why would your sheep tell you their secrets if they know you will judge them and throw the bible at them?
Luke 6:37 writes: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned." No one likes to be judged... and especially not from someone you know who is not perfect. We would feel unjustified and even angry at someone who judges us based on their own 'biased' assessments. Ever felt that before? We start to think things like 'He thinks he is so great? He also like that what!' or 'He should sort out his life before he pokes his nose into my affairs!' or 'Whoever made him God!! " This is the same when we judge others and jump to conclusions about others: We have passed judgement. 

Do not be mistaken, there is a difference in MAKING judgements and PASSING judgements. It is nearly impossible not to make judgements but it is entirely possible to refuse passing judgement onto others. It also helps you in your relating with that person.This opens the way for people to feel safe about sharing their lives with you, which always starts from the good things to the not so good things to the downright bad things. They need to feel that Godly acceptance. How deep is ur relationship with your sheep and your spiritual family? This might be a good gauge as to how they see you.

I purposely chose the words so that the first letters form the word GOD. This is a reminder: that we are all made in the image of God who is THE perfect shepard.
 

Hahaha... seems like it has become once-a-month updates. Been pre-occupied with other things so far and thus have been neglecting my blog. I am a people person and wld much prefer face-to-face talking to blogging... haha.. but who has the time to meet up nowadays?? So while i squeeze out time to meet people, this will have to do... for now. :)

Life in the past month has been... shall i say... painful. Painful becoz God answered my prayers SO FAST! haha.. i prayed for God to break me (what was i thinking?!?!? hahahaha....) and He did just that after a week. He showed me how ugly i was in  my character, how inconsistent i am, how flawed my character is and how wrong i can be when i rely on my own wisdom. I wanted to run away from all these... not to face them and do the more comfortable thing of ignoring it and just 'psycho' myself to carry on. But it was not possible this time. I felt cornered... that God was not going to let me out of that corner till i did something about the things he showed me. And so i tried.

I am not proud of my progress thus far.... but i am trying. When Pastor said that this wld be a year of rest, Sabbath, of drawing near.. it all sounded so nice. Rest, relax, recuperate, sleep, slack were all the words that i associated Rest with, but it was not to be. It became a year of struggle, of grow, of pain... at least thus far.

I am drawing new boundaries in my relating with people..... for the longest time i took care of how others felt more than how i feel.
I am putting my foot down on BGR issues... so that we can become the couple that God wants us to be.
I am coming out of my comfort zone.... to learn to deny myself more for God's sake.... and thus the fasting from dating.

Never thought a 30 yr old can be emo too..... hahaha.. maybe i have been mixing too much with the youths.... hahahaha 

Where can i hide from your amazing grace?
Wherever i may run to, there is no place.
It draws me, invites me, quickly return!
Like a strong flame in my heart ithat message burns.
Oh how ugly I am Lord, such filth, it's immoral!
Pull me Lord out of this downward spiral!
Will i ever learn to be utterly broken and useless?
Only thru your strength, i can stand in weekness.
Then i will rise from the valley, proclaiming in praise!
A wretched soul now reborn, saved only by grace.
My chains are gone, i have been set free!
My God my Saviour, has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercies reign,
Unending love, Amazing Grace! 

It is already coming to the end of Feb, and it is only now that i realise i have not been resting in the Lord. It is easier to think of resting as finding that peace in God's presence so that even if there is a storm around you you will not be flustered. But resting in the Lord also mean drawing near into His presence. And it is precisely this that i have not done. To me finding rest in God (Peace) is easy. That has always been my anchor and so in my life nothing flusters me much. But it is also this blessing/gift that God has given me that makes me forget that i need to draw nearer. When i heard SP's sermon on sunday, what hit me the most was not that I have forgotten how much God loves me, but that my heart is so cold and hardened that even as my mind knows and agrees with SP, my heart was not moved.

I went forward knowing that i had to, not that i felt like it. And even as i was kneeling there, it took a while for me to feel God's presence. Thats how cold my heart has become. For the past month i was still leading cell, praying and ministering.. so how is it that my heart cangrow cold. This is how scary it can be: that while serving and moving in God's power it is still possible to grow cold towards God.

During prayer time at SOT, Pastor YC shared about a total reliance on God being the fundamental in all that we do. Do we seek Him in ALL that we do? But at the same time it is also near impossible that you pray and wait for God to answer in some situations that require you to act immediately. In such situations we rely on what we have to answer that need. Some of these needs are really wthin our abilities. Then he went on to say that why most of the time we find that we dun need God's help, that it is within our abilities is that we have a really low standard. If we were to aim for God's standard in all that we do, it is then that we will find ourselves so lacking and so far away from that standard that we need God!  It was a simple but yet powerful revelation to me.

God's blessing to me has always been that He has given me the ability to react to things and do things well, even if it is the first time i am doing it. As such there is a certain level of pride and comfort i hold in that. And maybe thats why nothing flusters me much coz i know from experience that i will do ok with the blessing that God has given me. But i have neglected to pursue excellence in what i do, i have not aimed for God's standards. It was like a slap on my face as i hear this coz my spirit knows that this is what the Lord is telling me. That i have resigned to a life thats just ok. No need to be the best, just do your best and it is still good enough. Thou thats true too but i have not approached things with a spirit of excellence.

God's word says in Ephesians 5:3 that 'there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity'. It is easy for us to think that it just means we do not commit adultery, or commit any other kind of sexual immorality like masturbation or looking at pornography. But God's standards is way higher than tat! If we look at a girls with lust, we have aleady commited adultery. This applies to girls too! This means that if we are interested in someone and for a moment even think that she has a nice body and are attracted physically, we have already crossed the line! For girls out there, it is near impossible for guys not to be physically attracted to you if they really like you. It is just the way we are made. Its the same for you too! If you think that the guy you know is hot, that is already crossing the line.

You might be thinking: Lionel, you are too extreme. This can't be lah! It is impossible! I am just admiring her beauty.

But it is precisly that God's standards ARE humanly impossible that we need Him in all that we do. Let's use this 40 days of fasting to renew your heart. Check your own heart: how tender is it to God's word? Do you find yourself coming up with excuses for now being like what the bible describes a disciple should be? Excuses like 'tat's during those times, now it is different' or 'nowadays need to 'adapt' it so that it fits into today's context.' 

Some things can never be compromised. May God grant you the wisdom to differentiate those that are truths, and those that are situational.
 

The realisation of how time really flies dawned upon me as i log in to post an entry. The last one i posted was in Oct! Sorry to those faithful readers who come to this page eagerly just to be met with the same old post. Here are some quick updates:

1. The overseas CIP trip to Thailand was really great! Had a great time there thou it was for work. Believe that God had His own unique purposes for me to bring me on this trip. It was also on this trip that i got to have a glimsp of how being a pastor in the workplace is. One highlight was after a night's debrief session, one of the observers Anthony came up to me and commented that the session felt like a father teaching his children. That really touched my heart and at that moment i thought i could hear God say to me: ' This is what i want u to do. Well Done! "

AS such i am back into school with the new school term coming feeling pretty excited about what God has in stored for me in this journey of becoming the marketplace minister! With new plans for AJC both in terms of work and ministry i am praying that God will grant me with more favour and also protection. Here are some photos of that trip!





2. DE Adventure camp was a success! Personally it was something i needed to recharge my love for the family. After working so long to build up this family, sometimes i get a bit disillusioned coz not all seemed to be in it together with me. This camp reminded me again of what family means. To borrow from SP Primers: A family cares, shares and waits for one another. And to wait means not only for meals but also in terms of waiting patiently for each other as we progress in our journeys with God and in our growth in abilities. I am proud of my sisters! I am proud of you partner! Jiayou!!! :)







3. Even as i look back at this year of victory, i asked God: " Where are my victories this year?" And the Lord showed me these:

- My relationship with my parents improved tremendously.
- My boys all rose up and are beginning to flow in the vision.
- Nigel and John both became more dedicated to God and His work.
- I am finding a lot of favour at work from teachers and students. Beginning to really feel and act like the marketplace pastor.
- Able to save up for marriage.
- Signed up for Masters course although i said i do not want to study anymore.
- Looking at what God said He would do during the solitude time during the Youthnet 288 Retreat at Desaru, i realised that God has fulfilled them! 
- Found a suitable helper who challenges me towards God. Really thank God for her as she is there to challenge me in my thinking and actions as we spur each other towards God. May we grow towards God more and more and in the process towards each other. :)

Even after typing out this entry and looking back at the photos, God reminds me that the two events that i have talked about ARE 2 of the biggest victories in my life: work and ministry! What an apt ending to 2007, to realise how much God has been working in ur life! So armed with the knowledge that God has already given me a victorious year, i now face with anticipation the year of Sabbath, the year of drawing near to Him and to the family that He has placed me in. So exciting!!! :)

'There is no fear in love' - 1 John 4:18

I have always looked at this verse from the perspective that becoz God loves us and His love is perfect, therefore we will have no fear with regards to the things of the world... coz His love compells Him to do what is best for us.

But this morning i had a new take on this. Let me use an example to illustrate my point.

For the past few weeks a dear bro of mine has been going thru some tough times and appeared to be not coping well. I was very concerned and worried. The funny thing was thou i was concerned i did not show it by talking to him about it. I asked about him thru another bro to find out how things are coz i tot: so many people are already asking him, let's not bother him and give him the space to sort things out. I was afriad that he might find me a bother and find that i am trying to impose. As a result it seemed that we drifted apart and it affected me. I was asking questions like why doesnt he share with us? Does he take me as a bro to whom he can share things with?

Then on one occassion we were taking a cab together. I cant remember how it started but during the cab trip that bro shared with me all that was bothering him. We had a great time connecting eventhou is was a short trip. It made me realise that all this while it was me who was caught in a wrong perspective. Had i just asked things wouldnt have gotten to tat state of questioning and that feeling of drifting apart.

I love my brother. What surprised me was that i did not do what that love propelled me to do; instead i listened to that fear of being 'rejected' and did not show my concern. What happened after that was thru some talking things were brought out of its state of stalemate and is now beginning to progress.. which helps a lot.

Why did i allow fear to suppress that love? If my love is genuine then there shouldnt be fear of being rejected since God asked us to love without asking for anything in return. That's what true love is. I find that that's the way i treat my sons as well. Fearing that they will run away, fearing that they will rebel as they misinterpret my love as interference.

So brothers and sisters! The next time u are concerned about someone u care for,do not hesitate to show ur concern. Do not listen to that voice of fear that says 'what if he needs to be alone right now?' or 'what if i say the wrong thing?'. Coz i believe that if we say things in love, it will always work wonders.

Our responsibility is to love, how the other party reacts is his own responsibility. :)

As we all grow older in life, things change. The way we look at things, the things that we put priority in, how we react to things... they all change. But what does not change is sometimes the expectations that people put on u and sometimes the expectations do get a bit overwhelming.

Shouldn't the expectation change as the phase of life of a person changes? Is change necessarily a bad thing? How have i changed?

Where do u draw the line between autonomy and rebeliousness?

It will be a tough 2 months to go till the end of the year... 2 assignments, 1 overseas CIP trip, 1 camp, 1 encounter, classes, planning for next year's work... pretty overwhelming. On hindsight also good that we din sign up for MPC... would really be a stretch. Just hope to get it all done soon and then get some much needed rest.

Are somethings meant to be a lifetime struggle? What purpose does that serve in God's overall plan? We might never know and never stop struggling, but i just know that we have to keep fighting to maintain God's high standards.... not Man's standards.

Next year is Sabbath year... but i cant help wonder what kind of a sabbath year it will be... dun dare to expect too much.

It was great to see him again... a pleasant surprise. He does not look much different, but there is something different about him... not too sure what thou.

1156... the number to remember. Not 4D lah! :)

Got bored at work... heehee... started to daydream and so decided to create a new test about my future. Try it! :)